I am never getting married. Like Clooney.

You could see through my insecurity as well as you could a ghost. (I've got lots of similes this time around). Every girl takes out their inhibitions and regrets in a lot of different ways. Mine was to quit writing; and take a break from the digital world. One thing that was stopping me was all the criticism, bitch face losers, and questions of if they were going to appear on my blog as another "story". What do you think i'm going to do? post your facebook and address? this isn't isanyoneup. Relax and let me suck your uncircumcised dick for christ sake. However, if we did go through with it would you think it's outright ridiculous if for some reason I felt the need to tell everyone about "that one time". Let it be known that there is no such thing as a conquest in my mind. Only people and all the slaphappy fucked up humor we get to experience in real life.

The real reason to my absence? lately I've been wanting a boyfriend. It's all I can think about day and night. My aspirations of maybe being a non-slut and to find mr.right have been through the roof. My moral was so low that I had been turning to getting hammered. Trying to play the good girl and keep my legs closed. Then it kinda hit me one day last week. I stopped and realized that I wasn't being myself. I mean, all I could still think about was cock but I really wanted to lock it down. Mass confusion in my love life also helped out tremendously. The jealousy I was putting upon myself because of fucking instagram was completely insane. Here is me resuming to kick rocks. Continuing to feel as if I was going to ultimately be happy with someone I barely even knew. It took some casual sex with a couple (legit) strangers. Remembering that filling the void is way easier when you are getting pounded out by some hairy dude.. Here is to the future, and praying I don't end up as another Meredith Palmer.

super sexy swinging sounds part 2.

This was something that I really prided myself on doing. Having themed music to go along with your sexcapades, make-out sessions, or just plan hanging out. Lately I've been really blowing it and usually listening to Odd Future (who are actually pretty awesome) or something else equally dumb. Last year I put out my top albums to swing to and these are the next batch for 2011.

Electric Wizard-Come My Fanatics:
Holy shit, we are totally fucking to a psychedelic metal album right now. Imagine it, we had just smoked a joint and hanging out in our underwear. Does this slow down our vibes? Absolutely not, we are entangled in our long hair and cutting a pentagram in our chests.

Radiohead-In Rainbows:
Its just sad enough to really think twice about what you are about to do.

Sitar Beats Volume 1:
My friend Lato introduced this to me last month while we went camping up in Joshua Tree. Fucking awesome old school Indian Funk. Tell me you don't want to dance your brains off after you put this on.

The XX-s/t:
No shit. Feelin' sexy, feelin' like zoning out. Exactly the type of studio processed indie music I wanna listen to while heading to the bone zone.

The Pixies-Trompe Le Monde:
Specifically for their Jesus and The Mary Chain cover of Head On. This is really some cutesy shit. This will get so much energy in the room it will make your man's little head explode.

The Death Proof Soundtrack:
This makes me look like a huge douchebag. Have you ever listened to this though? Fucking great mix. The sexiest Coasters song entitled "Down in Mexico" is something that I could drool over. Every Tarantino soundtrack has of course the random dialogue thrown into the track lists but those are easy to get rid of. Unless you want to cum listening to Kurt Russell and Rose Mcgowen talk about nonsense.

Bathory- s/t:
I can only get away with putting this on with certain dudes. You know, the ones that like to get fucking dark.

Email or comment for suggestions and if you want, ridicule me. Roccamonaut@gmail.com

alone in their room

There is nothing worse than getting woken up at the crack of dawn because your boy toy has a meeting that he has to get to. You know what I am talking about ladies. Having to drive in traffic after getting railed all night and looking like yesterdays special. Hopefully you brought your sunnies because it's a long drive home anywhere at 7:00 am. So, what the fuck could I be even talking about? I'm talking about those few who are your friends, consistent lovers, or awesome dudes who just let you keep on sleeping long after they have been slaving away at work. As someone who is "freelance" I spend a lot of the time unemployed. So I don't really have much responsibility when it comes to needing to get some place in the morning. I'd like to think that this isn't exactly applicable to girls with boyfriends because they usually just live at their house anyways but I can think of a few examples in my head that kick out their own girlfriends.

This isn't something that girls really care about by the way, this is just kind of a, "fuck yeah, get to on sleep in." type thing. Completely understandable if you don't trust the hussy you fucked to not steal anything whilst you are pushing papers or folding t-shirts but some of us are honest, somewhat.

I just wanted to go into a little bit of detail of what goes on when you are gone. These are some of the routines that I follow when I wake up from said comfy beds:
-text message on my phone for about 20-25 minutes
-go to the bathroom and rub off all smeared mascara off from underneath eyes, shower if reallllllly needed.
-go back to bed
-smoke weed from bongs
-make bed and fluff pillows naked (naked isn't optional. this is something I advise all girls to do for your man, this is such an awesome feeling to see when you get home. kind of a thank you for not making me get up at the crack of dawn after fucking me all night type deal. no pillow mints though, don't want them thinking you are some sort of run of the mill floozy housekeeper)
-leave house

How late is too late?
Whenever I wake up past noon I always have to second guess myself and wonder if I should've left around 10. Is waking up past noon too comfortable and rude? Does it really matter? Something that has been an obstacle in my free loving hanging out in a dudes room scenarios: Roommates. If I could tell you all the times I walked out of my babes room and totally forgot that the live-in neighbor was there I'd probably owe you a few nickels. It's almost worse than the walk of shame because you have literally no back up plans here. Seriously just gotta be like, "whoa, woke up a little late! hah hah!" Then bounce the hell outta there. Getting to you car, high as hell, cackling at your misfortunes, thinking about the good night.

This is going to be a random tangent that I just wanted to address before I start off with the rest of my ranting down below:
If we get in a relationship, fuck, or just even make out there's a slim chance that it's going to be on here. Can't believe that it's even an issue. Next person who does ask though i'm going to put there picture and link to their facebook up with a scale of 1-fuckable underneath. The only exceptions I have if it's a funny story or it relates to the topic I am flapping about. No names, unless you want to? question mark?

There's no relief for a person like me

tell all your friends

Theme for today: Inbreeding

When you fuck your friends, you fuck ALL of your friends. Do you guys ever look around the room and stop and think, fuck, I've slept with maybe one too many here? I know it's really hard to not get involved with your friend group especially if they are all moderately(ok, to hot)attractive. Or if you are relatively desperate and at the house party of the month and drink a whole flask of gin to yourself. I've been thinking about this for years and the numbers are only growing bigger... There really isn't anything to say because I'm definitely not going to stop my natural urges to be on top of my sexy semi mysterious semi hard boy friends. Ever been hanging out with 4 people and realize that somehow you have all had sex with each other? Thats modern day society right there rolled up into a ball. The most important thing, I think, is that you just don't really give a two shits about it.

R.I.T or I bitch and moan.

Have you ever tried to look inside your brain? Whenever I close my eyes and visualize what my life would look like if it was jumbled into one room i'd see so much chaos, blackness and somehow, glowsticks. These are just some random jumbled nothingness or (random insane thoughts) I've had "encountered" lately:
- Filling my blood full of mouth and going to a party and spitting it out and telling everyone that I should've waited the few days until my girlfriend was off her period.
- Little kids trying to talk dirty over moms vacuumming and vaccuum stops and little kids get in trouble.
- How often can girls fake orgasms.
*side note: almost always. Look for vital signs of faking it; shaking, overly moaning, saying "im going to cum" in a very unconvincing way. I can't think of what else. Shoving your face in it? This isn't something girls to do be rude, it is more of a, I don't want to explain that I am not exactly adult enough to get orgasms everytime I have intercourse sort of thing. If you ate me out, that would be a whole different scenario. This also brings me to something that I was watching on 1 girl, 5 gays (can be seen on LOGO channel). Can guys fake orgasms? One of them said if they weren't on top they could but what if you are the pitcher? Someone please email me the answer: roccamonaut@gmail.com
- Quitting my dayjob and signing up for the groundlings school.
- Having sex with sea cucumbers: http://validatethis.com/2011/03/goosh
- The amount that social networking sites make everyone repeat the news over and over and over.
* This is something that has really been bothering me. If it wasn't for the status update section I wouldn't be able to try to make everyone read my poorly excuted thoughts on sex. It's just getting to the point where about 60 people on my news feed talk about how Elizabeth Tayler died and say some little schpeal or memo about her. This is what I don't get, who gives a fuck about celebrities? Please keep me updated about your lives ( as if i even really care about that) and not about other asinine old people who probably needed to die anyways. You know what I care about? The answer is my friends. I think from now on i'm going to only talk about my friends gossip on the news feed and see how many people repost it.

#rumorcrew