Back from my "Hiatus" or really just finally not working. What has my time off this past 2 weeks lead me to? Reviving all the death rock records I missed out listening to while I was gone and sleeping a whole fucking lot. Now that I am essentially couch surfing and kinda bed hopping (with friends, not dudes) I thought I'd give the shout out to my old friend and now recent foe, cuddling. Whether it be with your hook up or significant other I think we could all really use some guidelines to ultimately make the bed a more enjoyable, peaceful, and tingly free place.
"Hey, I've slept with you and you are a HUGE cuddler, hypocrite!"
this might be going through some of your heads if you've ever slept in the same bed with me overnight. Well hey, fuck you! I am trying to improve myself and step one is eliminate 85% of the heat trapping nonsense that once was on my mind. Sometimes, it seems very forced and why bother?
My arm is asleep, not my brain.
In no way am I hating on "Sleep Hugging" or the ideas and love/lust that are associated with it. To be clear I am mostly worried about how much sleep I am really getting throughout the night and it can't be much if your arm is separating my head from the pillow. I've decided I do no want to be entangled all night. The other night I fell asleep next to someone on a couch and I was dying for about 2 hours. Him, sound and precious looking; while I was big spoon with my hip sore as a whores mouth and my arm numb enough to stab a hot pen through. No sleep for the wicked. I finally gave up and went to his bed alone, sprawled on his soft sheets with 3 pillows surrounding me. I had a great rest.
Beware of Flashlight Syndrome.
Before everyone jumps the gun and thinks that I never want to cuddle I want to make it clear that I do however love it in the right circumstances. Did we just have a hot session? Fuck yeah I want to be close to you. Spooning on the couch and feeling something that could light up a room? I don't think thats a flashlight..
Solutions?:
Now, I might be having a bit of memory loss but I believe it was either Seinfeld or Friends that touched on this subject. So lets give the "tuck and roll" trick a try. Depending on who falls asleep first, the ladder partner will give one final squeeze to the partner and then slowly roll them off their arm. Free to move around and be comfortable with out feeling guilty. When the sun comes up or either one of you half wake up its back to the assumed position. Sounds like a great start to me.
Relative Questions:
"one night stands and cuddling?, throw a towel at them or rub against splooge?, kiss after a bj?" entertain yourself if you must with what answers you'd like to give yourself.
Sunday, November 7, 2010
gags
Since I haven't updated the Roccamonaut in quite sometime I thought i'd do a "gag reel" of all my attempted entries that never made the final publishing process.
3/8/10
Untitled.
Today I blocked all my narc family members on facebook. I don't know why I didn't do it sooner. Now back to talking about pussy and drugs.
Meh, still agree with this but I am pretty sure it didn't need to be on here. Good facebook status update though.
3/18/10
Entitled: Craigslist Strictly Platonic Adventure
Just made a craigslist posting for me and my friend KDD. All we really mentioned was pot, the paranoid album, and maybe some groovy times ahead. I'm really curious as to see where this goes. Lord knows it will only be a bunch of mexican punks who are way to into the misfits and motorhead. I'll edit this posting everytime I get an email.
Said Posting:
metal headettes seeking metal heads
Where are you at?
We are two groovy girls seeking a pair of dudes who are into the same things we are.
420, head banging, taking trips to the desert, checking out the observatory, or you name it.
please be into: Al Cisneros or Paranoid. Preferably have long hair and maybe a solid beard.
You know why this failed? Craigslist changed their security settings so you had to have a real phone number that they could confirm. At the time I didn't have a phone I could give. End experiment. I do however, highly believe that I will try this once again. Now that I have my business phone up and running it's time for the ol second try. I can think of a few changes i'd make to the posting as well. Maybe not mention metal first of all. You know the ratio of hotties who are into doom in comparison to gross trolls? It's slim pickins for us girls. I am almost certain that I know most of the good looking ones and they all come from either san pedro or cypress.
5/5/10
Failed love attempts from boys.
Theres honestly so much html I can't even focus on what any of this garbage says to me. Some witty responses were given to each email but it's all jumble and probably not even funny.
6/15/10
Con't of blowjobs.
I've touched on this subject lightly in my "levels of a bj" entry but i'd really like to get down and dirty about this.
C-O-C-K-S.
Cool, you said you were huge. Let's see about this.
0h you are totally wrong? or Oh you are totally right (how cocky of you.)
0
What the fuck am I talking about? Someone shove a fucking cock in my mouth already and shut me the fuck up.
10/9/10
Weird days always end up in good sex.
Believe it girls. You ever think to yourself; "geez, is it a peculiar day?". Better go get laid. You'll only surprise yourself in the end.
3/8/10
Untitled.
Today I blocked all my narc family members on facebook. I don't know why I didn't do it sooner. Now back to talking about pussy and drugs.
Meh, still agree with this but I am pretty sure it didn't need to be on here. Good facebook status update though.
3/18/10
Entitled: Craigslist Strictly Platonic Adventure
Just made a craigslist posting for me and my friend KDD. All we really mentioned was pot, the paranoid album, and maybe some groovy times ahead. I'm really curious as to see where this goes. Lord knows it will only be a bunch of mexican punks who are way to into the misfits and motorhead. I'll edit this posting everytime I get an email.
Said Posting:
metal headettes seeking metal heads
Where are you at?
We are two groovy girls seeking a pair of dudes who are into the same things we are.
420, head banging, taking trips to the desert, checking out the observatory, or you name it.
please be into: Al Cisneros or Paranoid. Preferably have long hair and maybe a solid beard.
You know why this failed? Craigslist changed their security settings so you had to have a real phone number that they could confirm. At the time I didn't have a phone I could give. End experiment. I do however, highly believe that I will try this once again. Now that I have my business phone up and running it's time for the ol second try. I can think of a few changes i'd make to the posting as well. Maybe not mention metal first of all. You know the ratio of hotties who are into doom in comparison to gross trolls? It's slim pickins for us girls. I am almost certain that I know most of the good looking ones and they all come from either san pedro or cypress.
5/5/10
Failed love attempts from boys.
I've been getting really entertaining emails lately from boys trying to strike up a conversation.
NAUT:
you have an attitude i can get behind
BACONPLZTHNX:
you have a body i can get behind.
CASTOFF:
subject: dare to die
dare to give dead people drugs
what are you talking about?
MRSURFACE:
hello im looking 4 a girl thts going to be nice to me. i read your profile and i liked it some:) so what u say can we be friends?
MRSURFCE:
hey whats up with girls asking 4 group sex on here?
never even responded to the first email. whos asking this fool 4 group sex?
DEEPERLV:
subject: would you want werewolf or vampire babies?
i would pick werewolf.
and i'd pick a silver bullet i think.
PHYSICSPLEZ:
are you a satan worshipper?
yes, i can only go out with you if you promise me that after i fuck you i get to run your blood all over my naked body.
Theres honestly so much html I can't even focus on what any of this garbage says to me. Some witty responses were given to each email but it's all jumble and probably not even funny.
6/15/10
Con't of blowjobs.
I've touched on this subject lightly in my "levels of a bj" entry but i'd really like to get down and dirty about this.
C-O-C-K-S.
Cool, you said you were huge. Let's see about this.
0h you are totally wrong? or Oh you are totally right (how cocky of you.)
0
What the fuck am I talking about? Someone shove a fucking cock in my mouth already and shut me the fuck up.
10/9/10
Weird days always end up in good sex.
Believe it girls. You ever think to yourself; "geez, is it a peculiar day?". Better go get laid. You'll only surprise yourself in the end.
Friday, September 3, 2010
You think you really know me.
What does it take to finally say enough? All these years that I have been tormenting myself with boy after boy it's almost like a sick joke I keep playing on myself. ck about all my previous Then I have to think baIt all started when my parents divorced.
Friday, July 16, 2010
My love, the pleasure's mine
This guy I kinda know gave me the idea to write about sex and drugs. You know what’s weird about that guy now? I kinda wanted to sleep with him but now he is dating this girl that used to be MARRIED (now divorced) to this guy I was sleeping with prior to their marriage. Small world is all, he’s still kinda cool I guess.
Shroom Sex:
The one time I did it I had definitely already admitted on the car ride to his place that I was a sucker for teen girl movies. I mean I was blabbing about mean girls, aquamarine, etc. I had recently seen the bratz dollz movie previously that week and told him that I watched it.
“Girlfriend, you are already being a weirdo 10 minutes in the car? Better start talking about something else.” -my brain telling me what to do
Then he fucked me doggy style in his bed while I was hallucinating. You think that is weird? Imagine me and Courtney freaking out in front of the laserium next to the scientology building trying not to have a panic attack. So what was up next? I thought, No better way than to get my brains pushed out down the street by my friend. I left C’s and then.. Anyways, the feeling of ecstasy was flowing through my body the entire time and it felt pretty amazing. Maybe if I wasn’t so…gone.. it would’ve been a lot more enjoyable and a lot less of those awkward silences.
Pot Sex:
Whenever I get high and fuck it's always a little off in the beginning.
You just put down the bong, your eyes are all blood shot and lets face it,; you are lookin pretty rough there yourself. Sometimes I am not sure if I just wanna pass out or if I actually have to crawl over the bed (or couch) and initiate this.
If time isn’t a real factor or its my pad I usually throw a little music on and really like to feel like I’m in a sexy Chris Isaac video. Let the sexiness start.
I’ve also noticed a high increase of cowgirl and missionary. Is it the laziness showing through?
Acid Sex:
n/a
Ecstasy Sex: limp dick? Was that the general consensus for everyone?
Coke Sex: Just angry I suppose. I can’t really remember if I have ever gotten a chance to do this or not. You know what I say though? Not so much an intimate drug. You don’t want any hot milf bitches overdosing on her couch while you think she’s cumming do you?
DRUNDSFLKJSDK Sex:
I had, had, had to include this because fuck me, have I had some extremely incredible experiences and i've also had some real stomach turners.
Ever think about all those bad blow jobs you gave out during those times? I do. I am almost embarrassed thinking about it and almost want to make it up to (most) of the guys that this happened too. You stink of booze and god knows what else and then kiss some other doofus who is hopefully just as drunk as you are. Kissing/making out while drunk is a pretty amazing and almost a way to get closer to those people you weren't before ;-) but seriously, if you ever see me go into a closed door again at a party please stop me.
I can't just end this on a bad party note, grab a few bottles of wine or some delicious beer and get drunk with your "boyfriend" and it will be more or less fun i guess.
Shroom Sex:
The one time I did it I had definitely already admitted on the car ride to his place that I was a sucker for teen girl movies. I mean I was blabbing about mean girls, aquamarine, etc. I had recently seen the bratz dollz movie previously that week and told him that I watched it.
“Girlfriend, you are already being a weirdo 10 minutes in the car? Better start talking about something else.” -my brain telling me what to do
Then he fucked me doggy style in his bed while I was hallucinating. You think that is weird? Imagine me and Courtney freaking out in front of the laserium next to the scientology building trying not to have a panic attack. So what was up next? I thought, No better way than to get my brains pushed out down the street by my friend. I left C’s and then.. Anyways, the feeling of ecstasy was flowing through my body the entire time and it felt pretty amazing. Maybe if I wasn’t so…gone.. it would’ve been a lot more enjoyable and a lot less of those awkward silences.
Pot Sex:
Whenever I get high and fuck it's always a little off in the beginning.
You just put down the bong, your eyes are all blood shot and lets face it,; you are lookin pretty rough there yourself. Sometimes I am not sure if I just wanna pass out or if I actually have to crawl over the bed (or couch) and initiate this.
If time isn’t a real factor or its my pad I usually throw a little music on and really like to feel like I’m in a sexy Chris Isaac video. Let the sexiness start.
I’ve also noticed a high increase of cowgirl and missionary. Is it the laziness showing through?
Acid Sex:
n/a
Ecstasy Sex: limp dick? Was that the general consensus for everyone?
Coke Sex: Just angry I suppose. I can’t really remember if I have ever gotten a chance to do this or not. You know what I say though? Not so much an intimate drug. You don’t want any hot milf bitches overdosing on her couch while you think she’s cumming do you?
DRUNDSFLKJSDK Sex:
I had, had, had to include this because fuck me, have I had some extremely incredible experiences and i've also had some real stomach turners.
Ever think about all those bad blow jobs you gave out during those times? I do. I am almost embarrassed thinking about it and almost want to make it up to (most) of the guys that this happened too. You stink of booze and god knows what else and then kiss some other doofus who is hopefully just as drunk as you are. Kissing/making out while drunk is a pretty amazing and almost a way to get closer to those people you weren't before ;-) but seriously, if you ever see me go into a closed door again at a party please stop me.
I can't just end this on a bad party note, grab a few bottles of wine or some delicious beer and get drunk with your "boyfriend" and it will be more or less fun i guess.
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
And my present girlfriend has sucked 36 dicks.
...37.
But really, someone asked me the other day what my number was. This brings up a great question. What is in a number? Of course any lady wouldn't flat out say what it REALLY is. It could be 256 for all they know. My friend Pepper used to have different variations of the number point system. The "resume" number. Only the best go on your resume. Oh, guess that means I have slept with 5 people! Awesome, I am 16 again. It feels great really and do I say... fresh even? Of course the whole being a huge whore thing plays a big part in girls who usually sleep with over 100+ people but who the fuck cares. I am not vouching for girls that sleep with hollister mcdouchbag at every frat party in the upstairs bedroom. I like to think that there are some girls who can just be liberated and sleep with just as many guys as to those men who are labeled as casanovas, studs, and even your local pimps.
This is a hard stereotype to diminish. The only example I can think of is Samantha from Sex in the City. But fuck her, I get compared to that old slutbag all the time. The only credit that lady needs is that she wore a pretty sick pink wig once. I am talking about girls who don't give a fuck about what people think and just wanna rock out and kiss a few boys a long the way.
Okay, enough of my stupid banter about how I am trying to accept the fact that I am a little promiscuous. Is there really enough reason to believe that everyone (i am including boys) who has a high number has an STD or daddy problems? I don't think so. The majority yes, but come the fuck on. Think about the 70's and free love and all that jazz. Those dirty sailors never used condoms. Now look at us, in 2010 we use dental dams and flavored black magnum condoms to protect us from all colds our private parts we could possibly get. Hell even the worst disease of all, babies.
But really, someone asked me the other day what my number was. This brings up a great question. What is in a number? Of course any lady wouldn't flat out say what it REALLY is. It could be 256 for all they know. My friend Pepper used to have different variations of the number point system. The "resume" number. Only the best go on your resume. Oh, guess that means I have slept with 5 people! Awesome, I am 16 again. It feels great really and do I say... fresh even? Of course the whole being a huge whore thing plays a big part in girls who usually sleep with over 100+ people but who the fuck cares. I am not vouching for girls that sleep with hollister mcdouchbag at every frat party in the upstairs bedroom. I like to think that there are some girls who can just be liberated and sleep with just as many guys as to those men who are labeled as casanovas, studs, and even your local pimps.
This is a hard stereotype to diminish. The only example I can think of is Samantha from Sex in the City. But fuck her, I get compared to that old slutbag all the time. The only credit that lady needs is that she wore a pretty sick pink wig once. I am talking about girls who don't give a fuck about what people think and just wanna rock out and kiss a few boys a long the way.
Okay, enough of my stupid banter about how I am trying to accept the fact that I am a little promiscuous. Is there really enough reason to believe that everyone (i am including boys) who has a high number has an STD or daddy problems? I don't think so. The majority yes, but come the fuck on. Think about the 70's and free love and all that jazz. Those dirty sailors never used condoms. Now look at us, in 2010 we use dental dams and flavored black magnum condoms to protect us from all colds our private parts we could possibly get. Hell even the worst disease of all, babies.
Monday, June 21, 2010
super sexy swinging sounds
I've complied a few albums I like to throw on while fucking/making love (depending on my mood and partner).
My Bloody Valentine-Loveless: Lets be stoned and listen to this whilst making out. Shit gets hot and heavy really quick.
Big Black-Songs About Fucking: One of my post-punk art project boyfriends LOVED putting this on and you know what? I enjoy it highly too. It's perfect for day time sex.
Massive Attack-Mezzanine: This was my go-to album for a while. You can't go wrong with trip-hop playing kinda low in the background.
Sleep-Holy Mountain: Okay, I won't lie. Being stoned and having sex is the best feeling in the world. Why wouldn't I want to listen to a band that makes me feel awesome when I listen to it? It only ups my pleasure experience to a whole other level. Plus, I could listen to this album everyday and not get sick of it.
Bauhaus- In the Flat Field: What a great album regardless. I'd like to thank Zoe for introducing me to this album not too long ago. It's pretty perfect for those times when you want to use razor blades on your partner and pull their long black hair before you give them mass amounts of hickeys.
Black Sabbath-Paranoid: Specifically because Planet Caravan is the sexiest song I will ever hear from a band that loves Satan.
Marilyn Manson- Mechanical Animals: How goth/nu-metal do I come off as? Well goddamn-it, what the fuck else am I suppose to listen to?
some albums I plan on doing it to:
Scratch Acid-Self Titled
Metallica-Ride the Lightning
Wageslave demo
Queen Latifah's Black Reign
Hey and please, recommend to me some albums you like to listen to while getting it on.
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
hey girls,
I figured out this fail proof way of destroying any and all types of potential relationships with a boy. Do you want to know the answer? You probably already know it. The past 6 years of my sex life has revolved around this theory. If you sleep with a boy before the 3rd "date" you have lost any and all types of respect, girlfriend status, and/or will never talk to them again. It's perfect if you just want a short time fling or one night stand. Let's take this back. Don't let the fellas get the better of you. I am pretty confident that girls slut statuses can be made into an empowering thing. Maybe that is just me or maybe I am confusing feminism with promiscuity.
please tell me what you think.
I figured out this fail proof way of destroying any and all types of potential relationships with a boy. Do you want to know the answer? You probably already know it. The past 6 years of my sex life has revolved around this theory. If you sleep with a boy before the 3rd "date" you have lost any and all types of respect, girlfriend status, and/or will never talk to them again. It's perfect if you just want a short time fling or one night stand. Let's take this back. Don't let the fellas get the better of you. I am pretty confident that girls slut statuses can be made into an empowering thing. Maybe that is just me or maybe I am confusing feminism with promiscuity.
please tell me what you think.
Thursday, June 10, 2010
confused, confused, don't wanna be confused.
Roccamonaut here, shouting out to all my homies in South Bay. They have inspired me to write about hooking up with all of your friends. Hey I'm totally guilty too so fuck it. Lets discuss it man.
Flirting only leads to diseases:
THE FRIEND CARD:
Flirting only leads to diseases:
If you are a moderately attractive female its in the cards that you are going to be getting hit on by some of your chump guy friends. This is what gets a lot of girls confused about what's going on with the actual situation. You sir, are just flirting hoping she'd hop into bed with you or at least suck your dick one drunken night after a bar. There's a big difference between trying to get with a girl you don't know and a girl you do. What is the fine line you ask? Just don't even bother. This girl thinks that you are actually interested in her, she probably even has a crush on you already. Unless you have intentions with getting with said girl maybe just move on.
THE FRIEND CARD:
How many do you allow?
Wheres my friend card?
How do I sign up?
Whats the expiration date?
Pastrami sandwiches?
When does it turn into the slut category instead of female sexual liberation?
The answers all are in this entry my friends. Typically the friend card allows 3 uses but many of us have been known to go over the limit. Where am I at you ask? OOf, I couldn't even tell you what my real number is without going into a lot of details about how so and so doesn't count because he doesn't really hang out anymore or he isn't part of the group or whatever. It's just so easy to fall for so many little flirtatious little tricks. Stroking my leg underneath the table during poker games? Taking me out back and making out with me in the bushes? What else..Grabbing my boobs while no one is looking? These things. What the fuck friends? How am I NOT going to want to jump in bed with you after you do all these little tricky things? It's messed up really. There's really no end to this mess. Unless all your friends drop out of life. I like to think every 3 years or so all your debts/payments get cleared and you start fresh! The difference between sleeping with your friends and sleeping with all your friends is simple, you know when you're being a little whore don't you baby girl?
Oh great, we are like dating now?
I'm kidding, am I? Where the fuck is my life going now that I hooked up with one of my good friends. You can't really tell, sometimes it's cool and goes on for a while and sometimes it just makes things really fucking weird. Most of the time it just makes things really weird. That passes though, after a few months. You'll stop hating each other and then things will get back to normal. Hey, maybe even you'll hook up randomly at some party you both are at and if you aren't completely fucked up on four loko you're getting laid tonight. Of course I am only looking at the negatives here but there is always the possibility you'll fall in love, hah.
Wheres my friend card?
How do I sign up?
Whats the expiration date?
Pastrami sandwiches?
When does it turn into the slut category instead of female sexual liberation?
The answers all are in this entry my friends. Typically the friend card allows 3 uses but many of us have been known to go over the limit. Where am I at you ask? OOf, I couldn't even tell you what my real number is without going into a lot of details about how so and so doesn't count because he doesn't really hang out anymore or he isn't part of the group or whatever. It's just so easy to fall for so many little flirtatious little tricks. Stroking my leg underneath the table during poker games? Taking me out back and making out with me in the bushes? What else..Grabbing my boobs while no one is looking? These things. What the fuck friends? How am I NOT going to want to jump in bed with you after you do all these little tricky things? It's messed up really. There's really no end to this mess. Unless all your friends drop out of life. I like to think every 3 years or so all your debts/payments get cleared and you start fresh! The difference between sleeping with your friends and sleeping with all your friends is simple, you know when you're being a little whore don't you baby girl?
Oh great, we are like dating now?
I'm kidding, am I? Where the fuck is my life going now that I hooked up with one of my good friends. You can't really tell, sometimes it's cool and goes on for a while and sometimes it just makes things really fucking weird. Most of the time it just makes things really weird. That passes though, after a few months. You'll stop hating each other and then things will get back to normal. Hey, maybe even you'll hook up randomly at some party you both are at and if you aren't completely fucked up on four loko you're getting laid tonight. Of course I am only looking at the negatives here but there is always the possibility you'll fall in love, hah.
Thursday, May 20, 2010
Blown a wish
Loneliness can be such a depressing feat to conquer. There is so many questions and obstacles to overcome with such a topic. Are you really slumming around because you can't find love? or is it because you just want to find some dude to make you feel (kind of) awesome for the night? I mean, here are some scattered thoughts on my ideals of love.
This one time:
Living in the hood, I shared a bedroom with one boy. We were supposed to be just friends but living alongside someone who is just as into fucking as you are things turn quickly. El pasión can lead to these two people trying to handle the cuddling and warmness you feel laying next to each other. Once you feel that first poke in your back it's pretty much game on. This is what I hated about the situation, I fucking turned into a psycho. Does this happen to every girl? What the fuck? I have never acted like I did in my life. I'm more into the chill wave type of living. Regardless, months went on. I fell deeper into this rabbit hole of what people call the greatest feeling, it was completely one sided for a while. How pathetic feeling. I think i'd rather take some ecstasy honestly. Shit feels way more intense and there is a lot less crying. Anyways, after a bunch of hoop-la I ended up having to move into the dining room and it was kind of an awesome time in there. Back to feeling numb about this once again.
Fuck, this sucks:
Now onto being in love with someone who doesn't love you back or someone who could never know how much you are in love with them. This kills me, I can relate. It's as sad and lame as a teen romantic comedy. Seeing them talk to other girls, talk about others, it makes me feel like a total bitch because i'm completely jealous but I have absolutely no reason to be. The collective we call this being in dire lust. Waiting for that certain boy who makes you want to grab his head and put it right between your crotch. The initial chase is almost intoxicating when you think about it. Will he ever kiss me, could he ever really be with me? What pain to put yourself through. Just fucking get over it and move on to the next cute guy I say (or at least try to tell myself)
What about me? I love having a boyfriend! :
Of course you do bitch. Who doesn't like the idea? If you are happy, fucking great. Me and the rest of the other salty ass sluts can grab the rest of the cocks you aren't getting with. This is what I don't get personally, a lot of girls I know stress out about having a boyfriend or finding "the one". Why am I not the same? I am so content with just having someone around to make out with once in a while or even come sleep in my bed next to me. It's almost endearing sometimes. I'll never really get it. Though a question I always ask myself is "Am I sad all the time and don't know it?" Thats something for Dr. Lipschitz to decide.
So then, what does it take to find someone you can actually be with?
I mean, this is just my personal list of qualities I look for in a solid dude. Maybe you should review them over and if you have the same type of guidelines then you won't be tricked into that awful relationship you had to deal with.
-i need someone on the ball all the time. witty, sarcastic, just like me.
-they would also need to keep this up with my friends, they can be pretty brutal people in my opinion.
-attractive enough
-no vagina (literally and figuratively)
=i can NOT take someone who can't hang listening to something heavier than fucking okkervil river
-really, i need a negative nancy. someone with a fuck the world attitude. no chatty cathys either.
-chivalry, it ain't dead boys.
-over 6'0...this is just a personal preference myself. lovin' those big foots.
-never have slept with any of my mortal enemies. (OOF)
-rather not have any STD'S but thats almost hard to come by now a days.
Saturday, May 15, 2010
I've been getting really entertaining emails lately from boys trying to strike up a conversation.
NAUT:
you have an attitude i can get behind
BACONPLZTHNX:
you have a body i can get behind.
COASTOFF:
subject: dare to die
dare to give dead people drugs
what are you talking about?
MRSURFACE:
hello im looking 4 a girl thts going to be nice to me. i read your profile and i liked it some:) so what u say can we be friends?
MRSURFACE:
hey whats up with girls asking 4 group sex on here?
never even responded to the first email. whos asking this fool 4 group sex?
DEEPERLOV:
subject: would you want werewolf or vampire babies?
i would pick werewolf.
and i'd pick a silver bullet i think.
PHYSICSPULEZ:
are you a satan worshipper?
yes, i can only go out with you if you promise me that after i fuck you i get to run your blood all over my naked body.
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
what we do is secret
Why is it that sexual desires are so much more appealing when they are taboo? This of course entails everyone's dirty little secrets or hidden affairs they try to keep tucked away from their lovers or friends. Hooking up behind other peoples back is seriously a mind fuck sometimes. It can be so passionate and feel so right but it usually only leads to heartbreak or an herpes outbreak. My experiences with this subject matter are of course of top secret nature but I can give away a little bit of the information I have accumulated over the years.
First things first, being cheated on:
What an AWFUL feeling. There's nothing like getting revenge on the skank who blew your boyfriend at that party you couldn't go to because you had a bad headache from that same dumbass. Besides the point, most girls let this slide. Why? It's almost acceptable to let your boyfriend cheat on you at least once, especially if you want to get married right? That girl probably didn't even know he had a girlfriend. Girls however who do know what they are doing: bitches. I won't lie and say that I wasn't a mistress a few times down the line, call me a cunt. Once you are considered a cheater you will always be a cheater. This goes without saying though, its hard to reform anyone nowadays. Mostly we label and call them "sex addicts" nowadays.
Married Men:
Oh you scoundrels and your love for young fleshy 18 year old girls. The best thing about married men is that you usually don't find out about the actual wife until after you have done the deed. I've been tricked more than once (shame on me) into sleeping with one. How was I supposed to know that the stock broker had a bachelor pad he took all his lovers to? What the fuck, you're also 10 years older than what you originally told me? Guess you'll be my first over 35 experience douche lord. The other few men that were spoken for were currently in the divorce process. One thing to know about men with rings: don't bother, they aren't going to leave and be with you when they have some hot MILF wife and maybe a dog.
You fucking cunt:
Fuck, its this section already. Why girls cheat with dudes who have girlfriends. "It's not fair, we liked them first!" is always a good one. Bitch, get over it! It's sometimes hard to do so I understand. Especially when the boys are straight up studs or the loves of your life. Still no excuse to hurt another girls feelings. Anyways, I am a hypocrite. It's not like I haven't ever done something like that. Then theres the girls who were under the impression that they were the ones being cheated on. Lets talk about my first boyfriend for a second.. we will call him AJ. What a lovely summer romance we shared! Guess who send me an instant message? His girlfriend! hahaha goddamnit! Was I mad at AJ? No, I was mad at the girl!He lied and told me I was his girlfriend when he really had one back home. We even went to prom together years later! What the fuck is wrong with girls?! CLEARLY its AJ's fault. So the point is girls need to not haze other girls so badly for this. Sometimes it's not their intentions to hurt other people.
Girls who DO the cheating: Easy section (literally easy)
Your boyfriend must not be sexually equipped if you know what I mean. Maybe he's gained some weight or got lazy too. OR you could just be a drunk slut.
Random Tangent Secrets most boys have:
rape scenarios, filthy underwear, cheating, ass to mouth (you never go ass to mouth), urine and fecal matter play, asain girls, fantasies about having sex with teachers, etc.
First things first, being cheated on:
What an AWFUL feeling. There's nothing like getting revenge on the skank who blew your boyfriend at that party you couldn't go to because you had a bad headache from that same dumbass. Besides the point, most girls let this slide. Why? It's almost acceptable to let your boyfriend cheat on you at least once, especially if you want to get married right? That girl probably didn't even know he had a girlfriend. Girls however who do know what they are doing: bitches. I won't lie and say that I wasn't a mistress a few times down the line, call me a cunt. Once you are considered a cheater you will always be a cheater. This goes without saying though, its hard to reform anyone nowadays. Mostly we label and call them "sex addicts" nowadays.
Married Men:
Oh you scoundrels and your love for young fleshy 18 year old girls. The best thing about married men is that you usually don't find out about the actual wife until after you have done the deed. I've been tricked more than once (shame on me) into sleeping with one. How was I supposed to know that the stock broker had a bachelor pad he took all his lovers to? What the fuck, you're also 10 years older than what you originally told me? Guess you'll be my first over 35 experience douche lord. The other few men that were spoken for were currently in the divorce process. One thing to know about men with rings: don't bother, they aren't going to leave and be with you when they have some hot MILF wife and maybe a dog.
You fucking cunt:
Fuck, its this section already. Why girls cheat with dudes who have girlfriends. "It's not fair, we liked them first!" is always a good one. Bitch, get over it! It's sometimes hard to do so I understand. Especially when the boys are straight up studs or the loves of your life. Still no excuse to hurt another girls feelings. Anyways, I am a hypocrite. It's not like I haven't ever done something like that. Then theres the girls who were under the impression that they were the ones being cheated on. Lets talk about my first boyfriend for a second.. we will call him AJ. What a lovely summer romance we shared! Guess who send me an instant message? His girlfriend! hahaha goddamnit! Was I mad at AJ? No, I was mad at the girl!He lied and told me I was his girlfriend when he really had one back home. We even went to prom together years later! What the fuck is wrong with girls?! CLEARLY its AJ's fault. So the point is girls need to not haze other girls so badly for this. Sometimes it's not their intentions to hurt other people.
Girls who DO the cheating: Easy section (literally easy)
Your boyfriend must not be sexually equipped if you know what I mean. Maybe he's gained some weight or got lazy too. OR you could just be a drunk slut.
Random Tangent Secrets most boys have:
rape scenarios, filthy underwear, cheating, ass to mouth (you never go ass to mouth), urine and fecal matter play, asain girls, fantasies about having sex with teachers, etc.
Sunday, April 25, 2010
Do I smell a whore?
Well actually, booty calls can be in this too. The urge to copulate is in such high demand in the spring time. Its in everyone's genes to procreate and get super horny doing so. Lately, all I've been wanting to do is make out with some fly dudes and get into their little boxer briefs. The problem with what ive been wanting to do is that my standards have just risen so high in the last year. I'm not too sure quite why exactly but i like it and i guess i had to grow up a little sometime.
DRY SPELLS & YOU: Is it really your fault you are not getting any? The simple answer is yes. Girls can get laid everyday if they wanted. The problem might be that you have no game. Some educational tid-bits I like to recommend to my girlfriends:
~Try to look sultry without looking constipated.
~Touch his arm, this drives him absolutely crazy.
~Laugh a lot (when boys think they're funny it makes you more in control) If you are funny, be comical. Don't be funnier than they are. Unless you are of course me.
~If they are in some mediocre punk/metal band make sure you buy their 7 inches and attend a few of their shows. Please be careful with this one. You can just become a groupie really fast if you don't play your cards right. Unless of coarse you want to hit it and quit it a few times in their van after the show.
~Buy/make them delicious food.
~Smoke too much pot and fall asleep cuddling. Proceed to interlink your legs together, rub on his sidepipe a little.
~Braid his long hippie hair.
~Ignore him. How awful right? Boys do this to girls ALL the time and you know what. I say we take it back.
Ey girl, its 2am come over:
Inspired by some of my dear friends and of course myself. What makes a great one night stand or even a great hooking up relationship. We all have our list of numbers that we can call up and get a little from. These people can be very magical sometimes if you play it right. Not so much for me lately as that I am currently living in a situation where I am not allowed to bring over anyone but previously boy was I just a "stud".
Scrolling through my phone book, deciding who I should invite over that night.
Do I want them to spend the night?
Would I rather them leave after a quick cuddle sesh? He's kind of a bad kisser, maybe I won't invite him over after all. These are some factors I think of when deciding. Having no attachment to these types is what you really need to focus on. Most of the time your fuck buddy relationship isn't going to be pushed forward into boyfriendness. Maybe one or two in your lifetime will develop from it but its important to realize that boys usually loose respect for you once you sleep with them. Don't become a victim of the "gray area". Make it clear what you want out of the situation.
One night stands are usually brought upon by such a drunkenness you brought upon yourself at the Cha Cha or Alex's (or even that one time you went to Metal Mondays at Les Deux). It's so easy to flirt when you have a little gin and tonic in you. It's almost a challenge to see if you can make out with someone you just met. Seriously, its not a hard one. Boys just love intoxicated hipster sluts with their cowgirl boots and tits popping out everywhere. The best thing to do when bringing home a boy or getting brought back to their place is tell someone you are leaving with a stranger. If you don't tell someone it usually results in seeing your friends run by the bushes you and the boy you are hooking up/hiding in, worried about if you are getting kidnapped or roofied somewhere.
Unless this boy you brought home is an incredibly awesome person I suggest you just leave it at that night. You don't know them! They might be a stage 5 and harass you until your fed up and "text yell" to leave you alone. Wear a condom also, filthy bar flies.
DRY SPELLS & YOU: Is it really your fault you are not getting any? The simple answer is yes. Girls can get laid everyday if they wanted. The problem might be that you have no game. Some educational tid-bits I like to recommend to my girlfriends:
~Try to look sultry without looking constipated.
~Touch his arm, this drives him absolutely crazy.
~Laugh a lot (when boys think they're funny it makes you more in control) If you are funny, be comical. Don't be funnier than they are. Unless you are of course me.
~If they are in some mediocre punk/metal band make sure you buy their 7 inches and attend a few of their shows. Please be careful with this one. You can just become a groupie really fast if you don't play your cards right. Unless of coarse you want to hit it and quit it a few times in their van after the show.
~Buy/make them delicious food.
~Smoke too much pot and fall asleep cuddling. Proceed to interlink your legs together, rub on his sidepipe a little.
~Braid his long hippie hair.
~Ignore him. How awful right? Boys do this to girls ALL the time and you know what. I say we take it back.
Ey girl, its 2am come over:
Inspired by some of my dear friends and of course myself. What makes a great one night stand or even a great hooking up relationship. We all have our list of numbers that we can call up and get a little from. These people can be very magical sometimes if you play it right. Not so much for me lately as that I am currently living in a situation where I am not allowed to bring over anyone but previously boy was I just a "stud".
Scrolling through my phone book, deciding who I should invite over that night.
Do I want them to spend the night?
Would I rather them leave after a quick cuddle sesh? He's kind of a bad kisser, maybe I won't invite him over after all. These are some factors I think of when deciding. Having no attachment to these types is what you really need to focus on. Most of the time your fuck buddy relationship isn't going to be pushed forward into boyfriendness. Maybe one or two in your lifetime will develop from it but its important to realize that boys usually loose respect for you once you sleep with them. Don't become a victim of the "gray area". Make it clear what you want out of the situation.
One night stands are usually brought upon by such a drunkenness you brought upon yourself at the Cha Cha or Alex's (or even that one time you went to Metal Mondays at Les Deux). It's so easy to flirt when you have a little gin and tonic in you. It's almost a challenge to see if you can make out with someone you just met. Seriously, its not a hard one. Boys just love intoxicated hipster sluts with their cowgirl boots and tits popping out everywhere. The best thing to do when bringing home a boy or getting brought back to their place is tell someone you are leaving with a stranger. If you don't tell someone it usually results in seeing your friends run by the bushes you and the boy you are hooking up/hiding in, worried about if you are getting kidnapped or roofied somewhere.
Unless this boy you brought home is an incredibly awesome person I suggest you just leave it at that night. You don't know them! They might be a stage 5 and harass you until your fed up and "text yell" to leave you alone. Wear a condom also, filthy bar flies.
Thursday, March 18, 2010
Network for women
Can we talk about the Oxygen channel for a second please? There are many things that I find wrong with this station. I can't even begin to describe the lineup besides it being "vulgar, insane, and arrogant to the female species"
First we have the Bad Girls Club. The bad girls club centers around a group of ladies who are just plain assholes. They live together and go party frequently. There isn't any real plot or any tasks for them to fulfill. So what is it they are suppose to learn. From my understanding they are suppose to grow and become better individuals based on their experiences from the house and interacting with each other. What I am really gathering from all this is that they are only going to be worse! It portrays women in such an awful light and showing the men who watch this that we are all backstabbing whores.
Next up is Snapped. Normal, innocent girls who like to go to the mall and maybe even go to rock concerts. Then we throw in a belligerent husband or violent boyfriend who takes them to the next level. You push and push and push us until we can't take it no more. We grab the knife or chloroform and send you straight into hell. There is no middle ground for the ladies. No calling of the cops or talking to a shrink to help us. We only go from moderately insane to bat shit crazy in seconds. CAUTION: girls can only take so much before MURDER! Watch out for the warning signs; baked apple pies that smell funny and the cuddling being a little too tight.
If you are feeling on the fat side today lets take a peak at Dance Your Ass off. Overweight Contestants run a muck in front of an audience and parade around with their bellies flopping about. Here, lets take a mediocre already done premise and make it for girls. What about weight! Excellent. We have the ball rolling. Now include D list celebrity doctors and a BMI scale. Fan-fucking-tastic.
Then there is the Janice Dickinson Modeling Agency. I wanted to see her try her hand at becoming an agent. After shutting down her agency in LA she fires the plus size girls she tried to book and moves to NY.
There's many more I'd like to mention but I don't want this to be too lengthy. The only awesome shows on the station is reruns of Ellen and Roseanne.
Entitled: Craigslist Strictly Platonic Adventure
Just made a craigslist posting for me and my friend KDD. All we really mentioned was pot, the paranoid album, and maybe some groovy times ahead. I'm really curious as to see where this goes. Lord knows it will only be a bunch of mexican punks who are way to into the misfits and motorhead. I'll edit this posting everytime I get an email.
Saturday, March 13, 2010
Levels of a BJ
Lets talk a little about blow jobs. What is it about oral that gets everyone so hot and horny or hey, maybe even a little lockjaw. The other night I was giving my friend "M" head and during the whole process I thought to myself about how much I wasn't even trying. I think the level intensity of a bj can definitely factor in with how much you like them. There's also my theory on how I only give poor bjs to boys who only know poor bjs. Is this a cop out for them? Who cares. When I give out an awesome blow job it's usually to those who excite me tremendously or I WANT to make them feel great.
Size is also an issue here (sorry). If that sounds awful to say but fuck, who wants to give head when you can fit their whole dick easily into your mouth. The challenge of the deep throat is gone, diminished. It's over for you. You're bored, your jaw is getting sore, dry mouth is starting to take over. Not to say that its a completely horrible experience mind you. If you love someone enough you can give them an amazing time just as easily. I don't want anyone to think i'm a complete oral nazi.
Then theres this whole sex being one sided deal. Especially to boys who don't reciprocate the same action for you. Many of them are very uncomfortable with the idea of going down on girls. What the hell dude. How are you going to let me shove your dick into my mouth but not lick some skin down below? Does it really weird you out? Maybe you should get over it and become an adult. If you aren't very good at it you know exactly what to do already. Just ask! Its funny that I say this for only guys but girls do this too. Someone told me once before I was going to go down on them that they hadn't received head in over a year. Their girlfriend at the time said she had something wrong with her jaw. I'm going to go ahead and call bullshit. Maybe she wasn't lying but that is such a bullshit excuse to me.
Monday, March 8, 2010
The word itself makes some men uncomfortable. Vagina
Why I don't talk about periods and sex in person.
PERIODS:
To me, periods are the curse of women. Some say Eve brought this upon us but I say that God doesn't exist. Why would a fictional character bring up the shedding of blood inside our walls to all female species who give birth?
Onto why I hate it. Menstruating is something that happens to most women, unless they have health problems. (which I'm not making fun of at all) Why talk about it? We all bleed and have our period underwear we bust out once a month. The awkward moments when our boyfriends dig into our panties and we have to stop them before its too late. It makes me cringe to think about other peoples panties. Go ahead and call me immature but I know we all have it. Lets just not discuss it. Not saying I wont hand you a tampon underneath the bathroom stall or give you my sweater if you bleed through your skirt. I'll always help someone out if they need it.
SEX:
I love, love, love sex. I'll tell you about my latest conquest or me making out with whatshisname outside the bar but I won't go into details. They don't sit well with me, I can't do it. Maybe if i was still in high school i'll tell you what I did to aaron on the floor bathroom in the park. Nowadays I can't help imaging what the other person is doing to their significant other. Call me a pervert all you want. Thats literally why I can not talk about sex. The visuals are nuts. The one thing I will always tell people if something funny happened during said event.
Some favorite quotes:
"On a scale of 1-DICK, rate mine"
"I'm not trying to hurt you or my girlfriend"
"You make me feel young"
"You should be a suicide girl"
"Why won't you kiss me?"
and so forth.
Other:
Honestly, I can get down with talking about most everything else. STD problems, plan B trips, yeast infections, you name it! This was just to explain myself to a few of my friends as to why I am such an awkward chump when it comes to these subjects.
"NOTHING is good enough." - courtney
COURTNEY, thank you for finding the words i've always wanted to say.
Do you ever feel greedy with your decisions like I do?
I will always be Fry and I'll never get my Leela.
Sunday, March 7, 2010
nike cortez shoes
Today I had a great day with my father. We went to Lake Arrowhead and looked at houses for him to retire in. Then we went and saw Alice in Wonderland (sad to say a little disappointed?) We get out of the theatre and of course he messes it up and says "why are there so many gay people around lately?" Okay, stop it right there father. All I could really say back was "why does it matter? are you being serious?" He ignored what I said.
This is what I would say if my dad would listen to me:
You work at a STRIP club dad. How are you going to criticize homosexuals when you do nothing but promote sex? You'd think with such a liberal job you'd stop to think that most of the strippers are probably lesbian or a repressed lesbian. I'm generalizing by my previous experience with the club you work at.
Also, this is what I say to all my homo haters. Who cares what other people are doing with their love lives? Does it really DISGUST you so much to the point as you have to promote hate towards them? Judging what gender you're with is just as bad as saying that your husband is fugly, your kids look retarded, and/or maybe you both should go on a diet. I'd say it's just rude.
I say this, dad.
I've dated girls and if I were to ever love a woman so deeply as to want to marry her you'll be the first person I tell.
two birds
the boy with the crystals can never tell the truth.
he sets for love and only can vouch for deceit.
why is it that the boy will keep the two birds running on their feet?
the trick with love is, the birds will meet.
they will fly and never again greet the boy who ruined ones treat.
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
going digital
I've been carrying around this black notebook a lot lately. Writing down all of ideas/thoughts/nonsense. The majority is 2:am stoned doodling. Being unemployed has really broke a lot of creative boundaries I had set up for myself over the years. Having so much free time has of course set me up for hours of more TV, lurking facebook, internet dating sites, reading much more about conspiracy theories, and smoking a lot of weed.
What can really come of this? Brainwashing and a lot more criticism towards life. I've noticed myself just cursing at the screen and giving cynical commentary on almost everything. So if you want to read about having fun and enjoying life. I suggest you better turn your back on this journal. It only goes down hill from here.
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