Do I smell a whore?

Well actually, booty calls can be in this too. The urge to copulate is in such high demand in the spring time. Its in everyone's genes to procreate and get super horny doing so. Lately, all I've been wanting to do is make out with some fly dudes and get into their little boxer briefs. The problem with what ive been wanting to do is that my standards have just risen so high in the last year. I'm not too sure quite why exactly but i like it and i guess i had to grow up a little sometime.

DRY SPELLS & YOU: Is it really your fault you are not getting any? The simple answer is yes. Girls can get laid everyday if they wanted. The problem might be that you have no game. Some educational tid-bits I like to recommend to my girlfriends:
~Try to look sultry without looking constipated.
~Touch his arm, this drives him absolutely crazy.
~Laugh a lot (when boys think they're funny it makes you more in control) If you are funny, be comical. Don't be funnier than they are. Unless you are of course me.
~If they are in some mediocre punk/metal band make sure you buy their 7 inches and attend a few of their shows. Please be careful with this one. You can just become a groupie really fast if you don't play your cards right. Unless of coarse you want to hit it and quit it a few times in their van after the show.
~Buy/make them delicious food.
~Smoke too much pot and fall asleep cuddling. Proceed to interlink your legs together, rub on his sidepipe a little.
~Braid his long hippie hair.
~Ignore him. How awful right? Boys do this to girls ALL the time and you know what. I say we take it back.

Ey girl, its 2am come over:
Inspired by some of my dear friends and of course myself. What makes a great one night stand or even a great hooking up relationship. We all have our list of numbers that we can call up and get a little from. These people can be very magical sometimes if you play it right. Not so much for me lately as that I am currently living in a situation where I am not allowed to bring over anyone but previously boy was I just a "stud".
Scrolling through my phone book, deciding who I should invite over that night.
Do I want them to spend the night?
Would I rather them leave after a quick cuddle sesh? He's kind of a bad kisser, maybe I won't invite him over after all. These are some factors I think of when deciding. Having no attachment to these types is what you really need to focus on. Most of the time your fuck buddy relationship isn't going to be pushed forward into boyfriendness. Maybe one or two in your lifetime will develop from it but its important to realize that boys usually loose respect for you once you sleep with them. Don't become a victim of the "gray area". Make it clear what you want out of the situation.
One night stands are usually brought upon by such a drunkenness you brought upon yourself at the Cha Cha or Alex's (or even that one time you went to Metal Mondays at Les Deux). It's so easy to flirt when you have a little gin and tonic in you. It's almost a challenge to see if you can make out with someone you just met. Seriously, its not a hard one. Boys just love intoxicated hipster sluts with their cowgirl boots and tits popping out everywhere. The best thing to do when bringing home a boy or getting brought back to their place is tell someone you are leaving with a stranger. If you don't tell someone it usually results in seeing your friends run by the bushes you and the boy you are hooking up/hiding in, worried about if you are getting kidnapped or roofied somewhere.
Unless this boy you brought home is an incredibly awesome person I suggest you just leave it at that night. You don't know them! They might be a stage 5 and harass you until your fed up and "text yell" to leave you alone. Wear a condom also, filthy bar flies.

Network for women

Can we talk about the Oxygen channel for a second please? There are many things that I find wrong with this station. I can't even begin to describe the lineup besides it being "vulgar, insane, and arrogant to the female species"

First we have the Bad Girls Club. The bad girls club centers around a group of ladies who are just plain assholes. They live together and go party frequently. There isn't any real plot or any tasks for them to fulfill. So what is it they are suppose to learn. From my understanding they are suppose to grow and become better individuals based on their experiences from the house and interacting with each other. What I am really gathering from all this is that they are only going to be worse! It portrays women in such an awful light and showing the men who watch this that we are all backstabbing whores.

Next up is Snapped. Normal, innocent girls who like to go to the mall and maybe even go to rock concerts. Then we throw in a belligerent husband or violent boyfriend who takes them to the next level. You push and push and push us until we can't take it no more. We grab the knife or chloroform and send you straight into hell. There is no middle ground for the ladies. No calling of the cops or talking to a shrink to help us. We only go from moderately insane to bat shit crazy in seconds. CAUTION: girls can only take so much before MURDER! Watch out for the warning signs; baked apple pies that smell funny and the cuddling being a little too tight.

If you are feeling on the fat side today lets take a peak at Dance Your Ass off. Overweight Contestants run a muck in front of an audience and parade around with their bellies flopping about. Here, lets take a mediocre already done premise and make it for girls. What about weight! Excellent. We have the ball rolling. Now include D list celebrity doctors and a BMI scale. Fan-fucking-tastic.

Then there is the Janice Dickinson Modeling Agency. I wanted to see her try her hand at becoming an agent. After shutting down her agency in LA she fires the plus size girls she tried to book and moves to NY.

There's many more I'd like to mention but I don't want this to be too lengthy. The only awesome shows on the station is reruns of Ellen and Roseanne.

Entitled: Craigslist Strictly Platonic Adventure

Just made a craigslist posting for me and my friend KDD. All we really mentioned was pot, the paranoid album, and maybe some groovy times ahead. I'm really curious as to see where this goes. Lord knows it will only be a bunch of mexican punks who are way to into the misfits and motorhead. I'll edit this posting everytime I get an email.

Levels of a BJ

Lets talk a little about blow jobs. What is it about oral that gets everyone so hot and horny or hey, maybe even a little lockjaw. The other night I was giving my friend "M" head and during the whole process I thought to myself about how much I wasn't even trying. I think the level intensity of a bj can definitely factor in with how much you like them. There's also my theory on how I only give poor bjs to boys who only know poor bjs. Is this a cop out for them? Who cares. When I give out an awesome blow job it's usually to those who excite me tremendously or I WANT to make them feel great.

Size is also an issue here (sorry). If that sounds awful to say but fuck, who wants to give head when you can fit their whole dick easily into your mouth. The challenge of the deep throat is gone, diminished. It's over for you. You're bored, your jaw is getting sore, dry mouth is starting to take over. Not to say that its a completely horrible experience mind you. If you love someone enough you can give them an amazing time just as easily. I don't want anyone to think i'm a complete oral nazi.

Then theres this whole sex being one sided deal. Especially to boys who don't reciprocate the same action for you. Many of them are very uncomfortable with the idea of going down on girls. What the hell dude. How are you going to let me shove your dick into my mouth but not lick some skin down below? Does it really weird you out? Maybe you should get over it and become an adult. If you aren't very good at it you know exactly what to do already. Just ask! Its funny that I say this for only guys but girls do this too. Someone told me once before I was going to go down on them that they hadn't received head in over a year. Their girlfriend at the time said she had something wrong with her jaw. I'm going to go ahead and call bullshit. Maybe she wasn't lying but that is such a bullshit excuse to me.

The word itself makes some men uncomfortable. Vagina

Why I don't talk about periods and sex in person.

PERIODS:

To me, periods are the curse of women. Some say Eve brought this upon us but I say that God doesn't exist. Why would a fictional character bring up the shedding of blood inside our walls to all female species who give birth?

Onto why I hate it. Menstruating is something that happens to most women, unless they have health problems. (which I'm not making fun of at all) Why talk about it? We all bleed and have our period underwear we bust out once a month. The awkward moments when our boyfriends dig into our panties and we have to stop them before its too late. It makes me cringe to think about other peoples panties. Go ahead and call me immature but I know we all have it. Lets just not discuss it. Not saying I wont hand you a tampon underneath the bathroom stall or give you my sweater if you bleed through your skirt. I'll always help someone out if they need it.

SEX:

I love, love, love sex. I'll tell you about my latest conquest or me making out with whatshisname outside the bar but I won't go into details. They don't sit well with me, I can't do it. Maybe if i was still in high school i'll tell you what I did to aaron on the floor bathroom in the park. Nowadays I can't help imaging what the other person is doing to their significant other. Call me a pervert all you want. Thats literally why I can not talk about sex. The visuals are nuts. The one thing I will always tell people if something funny happened during said event.

Some favorite quotes:

"On a scale of 1-DICK, rate mine"

"I'm not trying to hurt you or my girlfriend"

"You make me feel young"

"You should be a suicide girl"

"Why won't you kiss me?"

and so forth.

Other:

Honestly, I can get down with talking about most everything else. STD problems, plan B trips, yeast infections, you name it! This was just to explain myself to a few of my friends as to why I am such an awkward chump when it comes to these subjects.

Today I blocked all my narc family members on facebook. I don't know why I didn't do it sooner. Now back to talking about pussy and drugs.